Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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