How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
