Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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