i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
