Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
