it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
