You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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