saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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