I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
