Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
