I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Vodka?
Forever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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