My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
