3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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