well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
