Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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