I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
