Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
third nipple confirmed
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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