The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
