i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
