i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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