he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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