I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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