so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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