Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
