Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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