There's always time for handjobs
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
