so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
