just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
