Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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