Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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