i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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