I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
