I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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