i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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