i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
