Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
