we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
