theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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