I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
