no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
