Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
