Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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