FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
