When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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