I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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