im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He did a backflip because drugs
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