There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
