i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
