if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
