I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
