Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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