I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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