Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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