My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
