stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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