so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
