I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
