Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
