I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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